Since we lived outside of town, my first experience of going to school was as a kindergartner, on a big yellow school bus. The bus carried all ages, first stopping at the elementary school, then proceeding to the middle and high school.
Somewhere between kindergarten and first grade, I experienced my first inappropriate touching by an older boy, on the bus. I remember he used to always sit in the back of the bus and one day, he waved me back there to sit.
I was very naive about people, even more than most, in retrospect. Still am, to an extent. Of course, sexual molestation was not talked about in the mid-70's like it is now. There was no one talking in school, or at home for that matter, when it came to someone possibly touching you in places that they shouldn't be, and what to do if someone did. When he called me back to sit with him, I just thought he was being friendly. He talked to me like I was older than I was, and I liked that.
By the second time I sat with him, he was holding my hand and then placing it on the front of his jeans, rubbing himself with my hand. I remember feeling uncomfortable, but I didn’t stop it. He had his hand on my thigh, underneath my dress at one point before he stopped. I don’t know how old he was, but I am guessing he was 16 or 17 years-old as he was one of the older kids on the bus.
At some point, my big brother, my protector, told our mom and dad that there was an older boy on the bus that I had been sitting with in the back of the bus. The next time I got on the bus, he was no longer there. I think I remember there being some sort of confrontation, whether it was with his parents, the bus driver, or with him alone. I remember protecting the boy to my parents and did not divulge everything that happened, being careful not to get him into trouble. I never saw him again.
The strangest thing to me, is that I looked forward to seeing him on the bus, and I felt a little disappointed he was no longer there. I liked being with someone who seemed interested in me and treated me differently than other, older people did. I know it’s not my fault I felt that way, but once I was old enough to realize it was not appropriate, I carried around a certain amount of guilt for “allowing it to happen”. Not only guilt for allowing it to happen, but confusion as to why I didn’t seem to mind it happening more than I did.
It was about that time in my memory I recall overeating to the point of vomiting sometimes, and I began to put on weight. Being a pretty active kid, it didn’t seem to affect my overall health until I hit puberty just before age 11. I took overwhelming pleasure in eating large amount of food; especially the sweet stuff. Although there were other factors to come in my life a year or so later, the sexual molestation seemed to be the initial catalyst to seeking attention and affection from boys, and later, affection from men. Chasing male attention would be something I struggled with until I was well in my 40’s.
Were you touched inappropriately as a child? How did you deal with any shame or guilt you may have had, or did you? How did you heal from your trauma?
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