I was just dying for male attention at this time. I don’t know if it had something to do with the absence of my dad on a regular basis, my hormones, or chasing a feeling I had when I was molested. I was chasing something, but I didn’t know what it was.
What I do recognize now, was that I was at a turning point. At the time, I was just in pain and looking for relief, and the path of least resistance was boys and men. I’ve rarely felt attractive, but drinking released any remaining inhibitions. I was able to spend time with friends who were experimenting with alcohol. Those who weren’t, were (very) unintended collateral damage. Could some of them handled it better? Of course. But I can't blame anyone else that age for realizations it took me years to make myself.
For my parents? I guess they did their best. My mom and stepdad had a toddler and were dealing with their own stuff. Maybe in some way it felt easier for me to get out of the way, too. Maybe it was just an excuse for wanting to do what I wanted to do. Or felt like I needed to do. I don’t think there was any other feelings but need.
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